Looking back, I notice that food has been a big part of what I’ve written about since joining this project. I feel like I should explain, as I realize I’ve put off writing about this particular detail.
I am fat.
And before you pinch an inch on your own hips, please let me specify: I am morbidly obese. At my last doctor’s appointment they had finally bought a new scale for the office: One that was capable of measuring weights over 350 pounds. So I found out that I have, in fact, gained back every ounce of the 84 pounds I managed to lose 2 years ago.
But you’ll forgive me if I hold back on the actual numbers. I seem to be chickening out right now.
Regardless, I have recently started changing my eating habits. Drastically. Now that I am officially past the most trying portion of quitting smoking and am (today) nine weeks completely smoke-free I have, for the last two weeks, been making significant changes in how and what I eat.
I’m finding great joy in working for my food. I’m eschewing pre-packaged and ready-to-eat for down-home and made-it-myself. I am not counting calories or fat grams or carbs. But I am trying to make sure that the ingredients listed on a label have three or fewer syllables.
This means, a lot of days, I have egg salad and fruit smoothies all day long. Others, like today, I really get a bug up my butt and commit a few hours to a treat.
I have just made – for the first time – a batch of organic whole-wheat tortillas and I have a skillet full of mashed-em-by-hand refried beans simmering on the stove. My arms and back ache from kneading, rolling, and mashing and I have a small burn on my left thumb but I’m obscenely excited. Isn’t that strange? I’ve made myself happy by working for the last two-and-a-half hours for a refried bean burrito. Something I could have picked up for $1.99 in the refrigerated case at any gas station and warmed up for 2 minutes in a microwave.
I think what I’m doing is embracing the idea that I’m worth the work. I’m not cooking for my family or friends. I’m cooking for me. I’m going out of my way to make nutritional and delicious food for myself because it’s good for me, and I think just maybe I deserve the attention.
This is Shelley, 35 and worth the work in Iowa.
Thirty Voices 
September 24, 2007 at 1:44 am
Shelley,
Congratulations on remaining smoke-free! WOW! What a wonderful accomplishment. Your recent adventures of “working for food” and your outlook on providing healthy, delicious meals for yourself are fantastic. You ARE worth the attention. Hearing your description of how fulfilling throughfully providing food for yourself is reminds me of my recent readings at “Slow Food.”
http://www.slowfood.com
Thanks for sharing.
September 24, 2007 at 3:10 am
Hey Shelley. Congrats too on not smoking. I see how hard that is with my mother as she has definitely used that as a crutch per se when it comes to food. The fact that you are taking things slowly and learning how to do things right by yourself is great. One day at a time. 🙂
September 24, 2007 at 11:50 am
Of course you’re worth the work! Congrats on that and I totally hear you about how silly cool it feels to do it yourself! I remember feeling that way the first time I made the whole wheat pizza dough you left the instructions for after I got sick. I felt like a freakin’ super star!!!
September 24, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Hmmm…I’m thinking that a FANTASTIC book could emerge out of this experience, and not just because you have a wonderful way with words. You’re also funny, honest and real, all of which makes for compelling testimony. Kudos on braving all the transitions to make the transformation.
September 24, 2007 at 5:08 pm
@ Ruth: Actually, I had removed the line about starting to embrace the “whole foods” and “slow foods” movements … You hit the nail on the head! I’m currently looking for a CSA to join for next summer.
@ stacyjill: I’d noticed that your mom had to quit smoking, but I thought it sounded like something she’d already accomplished. It’s tough and I LOVED smoking. But I hated spending so much, and was humiliated by how terribly it effected my ability to enjoy myself in other ways. I think it’s gonna take this time.
@ sagespot: *hugs* as always. You’ve had more to do with this than you know… And do you still have that recipe/instructions?
@ Melissa: I’d kinda toyed with that idea. I’ll let you know if anything happens.
Everyone: Thanks so much for the encouragement! In a small town where everything in every restaurant is prepared using a fryer or a well-oiled grill, I’ve gotten a lot of weird looks and rolled eyes from friends and family but I think I’ll carry on.
September 24, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I’ve started doing something similar about a year ago. In my case it was to do with overworking, constant lack of energy, mood swings, headaches. Lack of time was my excuse for eating shit and I realised if I want to be energetic ever again,I need to find time for a proper food. Took me a while, but every night if I’m in the country I make myself fresh lunch. Go for it girl – once it becomes a habit, you’ll never look back:)
September 24, 2007 at 11:52 pm
I was in Trader Joe’s today (a mostly healthy, cheap supermarket to get organic groceries etc) and I picked up a bacon, egg whole wheat burrito – I thought it sounded wholesome and delicious until the guy at the checkout asked me if I knew it had over 650 calories!! I thought of this post immediately – better to make it yourself and know what’s in it than put on extra unwanted calories unknowingly! A very inspiring post.
September 26, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Hell yea! Working for your food, your own sustenance and nutrition, the fuel that goes into your body is what I’m all about, so congrats. Love each burned fingertip, each splatter of oil, a sliced fingernail from chopping too fast. You are being discriminating with what you nurture yourself with, and that is your complete and utter right and duty to oneself. Happy to hear you’re looking for your balance.
September 29, 2007 at 7:40 am
Hell yes. That’s what I said at the end of your post. And then I come here and Mr Hoppy has already said it. But it’s worth saying again. Are you worth it? HELL YES!
October 1, 2007 at 1:19 pm
@kasha1702: the increased energy has been the most amazing benefit of this whole venture. There are times when I almost feel high compared to the sluggishness of before.
@notgoth: amazing what sneaks into some pre-made foods, isn’t it?
@mrhoppy: no danger of injuries from chopping too fast. My knife skills are for crap – and so are my knives. Would love to hear more about some of your methods/theories/choices on the subject.
@happilyevenafter: you’re makin’ me smile.
@everyone: thank you so much for the support … it means the world to me!