Room 101. Repository of my worst nightmare.
Here you find the painfully familiar “Hey Guy.”
I realize that this is a rant of sorts… but, well, no excuses it is.

The “Hey Guy” is generally identified in the wild by the following characteristics:

  • He wears what he believes are clever slogan t-shirts
  • He is consciously anti-mainstream, therefore being completely mainstream
  • He is falsely overly enthusiastic and says things like, “What’s up brotha’!?” regardless of his lack of anything resembling ethnicity (and does a couple chest thumps if you are really lucky!)
  • He smokes/drinks/swears/yells/acts out for effect rather than authentic desire or need
  • He is prone to shouting out the movie quote of the moment, ie: “America! Fuck yeah!”
  • He reads to quote rather than to learn
  • He travels to have been there rather than to be there
  • He is always talking about getting laid… um, yeah talking about it
  • He knows everything about whatever topic is being bantered about, whatever you say, he’s done it, heard it, had it, been it
  • He says he is political but doesn’t vote, or really understand the issues
  • He puts down what he doesn’t have, like a college education or money or a job and covets them all
  • He takes pride in getting away with things like stealing (not in a Fight Club kind of way… more like an ‘I’m-cooler-than-you-and-therefore-entitled’ kind of way)
  • He must have a ‘posse’ at all times
  • He picks up and uses (incorrectly) slang from his favorite accent d’jour (ever heard an American try to make “mate” sound right? Painful.)
  • He has on-purpose stubble and manscapes
  • He puts down everyone else that is just like him for being just like him

Random Hey Guys

Yep. You know him. The Hey Guy.

My friend Jay Bailey came up with the term Hey Guy during my sophomore year in college and along with Stink Eye (another line I credit Jay with) I find it to be one of the most descriptive titles ever. These guys are everywhere (and it is not gender limited by the way… the Hey Gals are out there too.) And while they are harmless, I think putting them in Room 101 would be the perfect response to their antics… let them be with themselves while the rest of us muddle through our authentically uncool existences!