A little over 8 years ago, i went through the process of choosing the best adoptive parents for my baby (who i already *knew* was a boy).

it was not a decision i came to lightly or easily, and despite everyone in my family’s thoughts, it was not the selfish decision. it was the hardest and best thing that i have ever done. i was young. i had not accumulated much in this world. i was not with the man who had impregnated me & he had preferred abortion. alone, i chose an adoption lawyer. alone, i quit smoking and changed my diet. and alone, i sat in the floor every week and looked at the profiles that were sent to me, created by the couples who wanted to adopt my baby.

i met them for lunch and they were as perfect as i had thought. i talked to them more. brunch again. and then i decided. yes, them. they were older…which to me was perfect, their marriage had lasted. they had survived things. he was finishing up his residency in medical school after having been in the Navy for years. they had lived abroad. they had large families, tons of nieces and nephews. they had pets. they had savings and investments. they had a nice home. they had everything that would give him what i could not…an advantage in this world.

we had brunch every Sunday. i met their families, their friends. they were worried…this had happened before, more than once, and then the girl had changed her mind. he warned her not to get too close. she didn’t listen. i told them that whatever else i am, i am a girl of my decisions. not to worry, that i would be okay. i asked her to be my lamaze coach and we blew that class after the first one (that lady teaching was taken aback at who we were to each other). they came with me to doctor’s appointments and couldn’t believe that they had found a birth mother who was healthy, working, had insurance, wasn’t doing drugs or smoking, was intelligent and articulate. they were happy. i was a mix of happy & sad. ready to get it over with and wanting it to go on for forever.

he accepted a partnership in a practice in another state in my last trimester and they moved. i was heartbroken, so she came back to be near me…”in case”. i went into labor – false. came home. went 20 days overdue, one of the hottest summers on record. i was huge, a whale, sweaty and hot and miserable. i couldn’t sleep. i couldn’t get out of bed by myself!! it was the Summer of My Malcontent! my friends built me an air-conditioned room in their house, with a window AC and blankets – a recliner right in front of it. we planned a trip toghether, my 7 friends and I, for after the baby was born and they took him. to distract me, to heal. i knew that he was always available, they were always available, but i knew that it would be hard.

finally, the real thing. labor. forever. vomiting. danger. he was stuck & they couldn’t get him out. forceps, suction, Full Episiotomy. blood pressures crashing, nurses running…and then, Him. purple. alien. covered in goo. but, my son. they handed him to me first and when i talked to him, his eyes opened huge and locked on mine. everyone in the room said that he recognized my voice and i cried, at all those nights i had murmured my belly to sleep. that i had sang to him in the shower. and then, i handed him to her. his mom.

over the years, i have visited, had Christmas with their families, gone to baptisms, birthdays, stayed in touch, and pulled away when it was hard. but, any time that they have shown up on my caller i.d. and the conversation has started, “Angie, your son…”, i know that he has done something bad! something funny! something clever! they say he is just a pint-sized version of me. they chose the first name, i chose the middle. but, his dad has created a name for him that is a combination of both of ours, which makes me so happy.

now, during this time of sadness and adjustment for me, as i try to make my way in a world that is so different than ever before, they have proven themselves again to be better than even i could have imagined. they have opened up their home for me to come and stay, to build a relationship with my son now that i can never again have children. they have offered me a place to be taken care of and comforted and loved while near the one thing that i have ever done perfectly in this life. they are truly amazing. and i cannot wait to get to know my son!

i am Angie, i am 30 and soon, i am leaving Los{t} Angeles!