When I was living in California, I didn’t have it this bad. Most of my friends were still trying to figure out their lives, about to bring kids into their lives and the friends who did have kids were still running around like crazy people, working their asses off trying to achieve it all.

It’s different being back here in Chicagoland. Everywhere I go, it’s hitting me over the head. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my friends and family who are having new ones. I just wish I didn’t have this crazy urge inside of me to have one of my own.

I still feel that at 33, I am trying to figure out who I am, and although my friends have commented favorably on my maternal instincts with my ex-girlfriend’s daughter over the past year, I’m still not convinced that I can do it.

There is the other problem about partners. Who will be my partner in the future? Will he/she want kids? Will I decide to do what my ex-girlfriend bravely did and have one on my own? These questions are all up in the air… and I must remember that I need to take one step at a time. I have the job, next the new apartment, then start really thinking about my future.

On a lighter note – two funny stories from yesterday: I went with my brother and sister-in-law to take the 9 month pictures of my nephew at Sears yesterday. I couldn’t stop laughing, watching them and the photographer (and myself eventually) try anything possible to get my nephew to sit and take a picture. The lil rugrat started crawling about weeks ago and he is now off and running! 🙂 I am amazed at their patience with him and it really is so nice to see my baby brother turn into a wonderful father.

Stacy Jill, 33, Chicago

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