I left the hospital around 9 pm last night. This is the same hospital where my dad had dialysis for two+ years before I gave him the kidney and where he also received his Gastric Bypass operation. It’s not like other hospitals. They actually pride themselves in advertisements around the wings that say “this is a hospital for people who don’t like hospitals”.
My mother has been staying there for the past couple of nights. She drove herself to the emergency room on Friday because she was feeling these weird chest pains and also in her back as well. It turns out that my mother may have had a slight heart attack. They don’t see it on many of the tests, but they suspect that is what it is because her Enzymes levels are all out of wack.
She looks fine, and feels better than she did when she first checked in Friday afternoon. I guess I should be shocked that she had one, but I don’t. My mother has been stubborn about taking care of herself, and I know that the recent death of her father (at 90) has been really hard on her. I think however this is the wake up call that she needed. The smoking is gone, the diet Pepsi will be gone and she’ll be working on rehab at the hospital.
How did I react? I went to Wendy’s and ordered a double cheeseburger. I know I was upset about my mother, about losing my grandfather last month, about the loss of my relationship (who is now of course already with someone else), but this was ridiculous. I wolfed it down and then thought about it. What the hell was I doing? I have been working out for the past month and have lost a bit of weight. Why would I jeopardize it by eating this crap? Well, what was done was done, and I’m not about to throw up the food, so I did the next best thing: I went swimming at 10pm. 
It was amazing. It was completely empty and had this peaceful quality, shimmering throughout the length of the pool. I jumped in, dunked my head, put on my PINK goggles and started my laps. I moved slowly at first, and then picked up to a nice speed. I swam back and forth for about a half hour, stopping only to do some exercises in the pool like a little old lady.
The last stop was in the glorious whirlpool that awaits me every time I finish swimming. Usually, there is some guy in the whirlpool who I always try to avoid by looking away. I can’t see without my glasses and I don’t want anyone thinking that I am giving them an invitation to talk to me. That is my worst pet peeve when I am in the pool.
The water was coming down in the fake waterfall and I just let loose. The crying commenced and I just sat there for a few minutes, letting it all out. The pain, the suffering, the release of letting things go and knowing that I needed to let life happen. I can’t control it to my liking, I just have to let things run their natural course.
Stacy Jill, 34, Chicago
September 16, 2007 at 11:41 pm
I’m sorry to hear about your mother – I hope she makes a speedy recovery.
Its all too easy when you have stress in your life to reach for the thing you associate with comfort – like food or in my case booze! If we could only train ourselves to do something healthly and peaceful like swimming instead because at the end, as your post shows – its much more of a comfort than that we can find in a cheeseburger or bottle of wine.
September 16, 2007 at 11:50 pm
I’m thinking of your mother and hoping she’ll be home soon.
For me the comfort comes from travel – jumping in the car and just not stopping – gives me the light floaty feeling just to imagine it when I’m stressed. But now things are a bit different and I’ll go home and flip through a travel magazine or tourist book. People change and what’s best for me right now is to stay put and work towards the larger goals in my life.
Working out provides just such a feeling.
September 17, 2007 at 3:39 am
Thank you for sharing this with us. It feels so disorienting to have our parents be unwell. I hope your mom continues to recover. And it sounds like you’re doing a good job of self-soothing: burgers – swimming – crying – writing – just what any great doctor would order.
Hugs – Ruth
September 17, 2007 at 6:50 pm
They say you should take care of yourself first when you are dealing with a sick loved one, and I am really glad to see you did just that.
When everything seems out of control, what we eat and our activities are the one thing we can control although sometimes it seems like our life, especially in relation to time, controls us.
September 18, 2007 at 5:39 am
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
It turns out my mother did have a heart attack. A mild one which is why she didn’t fall down or anything like that. Her enzyme levels where all out of wack and that was the only way they could tell that she had a minor heart attack.
She is done with the ciggys and hopefully the diet pepsi and she is going to start rehab very soon for everything else. Again thanks for your kind thoughts!
September 19, 2007 at 3:56 pm
I’m so sorry about your mom, Stacy. I’m thinking good thoughts for her health.
Your post was beautiful. The description of swimming choked me up…funny how talking about a heart attack was just reading words on a page for me, but it was your description of the water and the movement that got me. I think it says something about our culture and pain and fear and those sorts of things, but I’m not exactly sure what. Anyway, best to your family. And thanks for telling your story.
November 12, 2007 at 11:11 pm
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