I had a rather odd CT scan yesterday afternoon. They hooked me up to the IV, did three scans of my chest and upper abdomen, and I’m all ready for the injection of the contrast dye when I see six additional doctors come into the room. Not doctors-in-training, but full fledged scrub and white coat clad oncologists/physicians/Gods know what – and they’re all huddled behind the glass looking at the screen of my results. This is odd behavior, nothing similar has ever happened to me. So I admit it, I start to freak out.

I’ve got these hot tears flowing within seconds – you know the kind, where they roll down from your eyes, streak your upper cheekbones and drop directly onto your eardrums. I’m trying to concentrate on what the machine says, “Breathe in………hold your breath…….breathe out” repeated in that damn mechanical man’s voice that I’ve come to not so fondly call my Semi-Annual-Man-Bitch lecture. My private Cancer Scan Mantra I normally repeat silently in my head is now actually coming out of my mouth in a whisper of barely moving lips. I’m honestly a bit afraid of drawing attention to myself.

“There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here.“

“Breathe in………hold your breath…….breathe out“

“There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here.“

The machine stops, a nice lady takes out the IV, holds my arm, glues me up, adds some paper tape, comments on my hair color…and not one of those bastards actually looked me in the eye on the way out the door.

Of course the techs can’t tell you what they see, and I don’t have my follow up until next Thursday. I’d like to think that my primary oncologist would give me a call before Thursday if there was a serious problem. It just sucked. It just seriously sucked.

I was pretty medicated due to some allergies to some of the contrast dyes so I was zoned out most of last night and today. Now the panic is back. That stupid panic. I thought I had a lot to loose before – but it’s nothing compared to the life I have created for myself in the last six months. I’m working towards a personal goal here, people. I’ve been brave enough to make some actual plans. Scared – fear – it’s all horrid – and in reality there could be a rational reason for all of this. You know, I don’t even feel sick right now so it could be nothing at all.

“There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here. There be no dragons here.“

I’m Sage, here in Iowa, waiting at 31.